So what I did there with the title of this blog is called "click bait." You make something huge and controversial and people can't stop themselves from clicking. You were scrolling down your Facebook feed and that is what happened. Don't dispute it, I know.
The following is a direct account of your typical Facebook News Feed:
Facebook, Facebook, lets see what's going on in the world today. Hmm, my old friend from high school seems to be going through a hard time. It's hard to know for sure but her status says, "Oh wow today is my worst day ever....".
Okay, don't click that shit! That is also a form of click bait, but it's a totally lame form that involves sadness and misfortune wrapped up into some sort of scavenger hunt where the person doesn't tell you what happened but they do want you to be concerned and to console them. It's called vaguebooking and it's vile. What do they want from me? Well, I'll tell you what they are going to get from me.
"Dear friend from High School that I don't have any interaction with: congratulations on your ability to procreate at a remarkable pace. I always knew that you had taken it hard when you didn't make the basketball team. It's good to know that you have created your own in-house team. Good on you. I don't know why you are sad, mainly because you didn't say why you were sad. I can only assume that your children have surpassed your basketball abilities and have gone out-of-house to bring in more talent. That's rough, but look on the bright side--you can still make babies. Unless you are double-sad because your children replaced you on your "home-grown" basketball team AND you got your tubes tied. Or whatever it is when they do it go a guy. Tubes tied, unscrewed the hose, whatever. Anyway, if that happened then that TOTALLY sucks, man. So in closing, I'm sorry for the fact that you still suck at basketball and you can't get girls pregnant anymore. Which TOTALLY goes hand in hand with your dream of being in the NBA."Zing!
Moving on:
Oh hey look, my old college buddy has posted an article about how (insert political affiliation) is trying to destroy (insert something you enjoy), and he can prove it with a link to this (insert some extremist political affiliation) website. Wow. This seems totally legit. I totally trust the guy but just for fun I guess I will go to Snopes.com and check this out.
(10 seconds later) My college buddy is a stupid moron.
Onward, ever onward.
^That is a mormon reference
Okay, what do we have here?
If one hundred thousand people like this picture of these ugly kids holding a shitty sign then their shitty parents will buy them a dog.First of all, I love dogs, and I hate these kids and their parents, the dogs don't deserve to be involved in this and dogs getting a home shouldn't hinge on stupid Facebook likes. No thank you, get a basketball, start a stupid team.
Scrolling:
Lets see here, apparently Nick has posted to his stupid blog again. "What I hate about Mexicans." Whoa. Holy shit, Nick has completely lost it. I've gotta read this, then I'm gonna share it and get so many likes! This shit is going to be trending. #thelastsonofbobhatesmexicans
CLICK.
WELCOME BACK. That was quite the journey and I'm glad that I can be the high point of your social networking day. What? Nope, definitely meant to say high point. Stop being weird. Anyway, you came here to find out why I hate Mexicans and I am not one to disappoint. (Disclaimer: I am one to disappoint while playing Catch Phrase, Basketball, Baseball, Football, shoulder strength tests, hair free competitions, prohibition law-following, talking quietly while drinking, dressing fashionably, dressing myself in an acceptable way at all, making the bed with all those god damn pillows, folding fitted sheets, being organized, filling up my car before it is dangerously low on gas, making my sideburns line up with each other, shaving, finding things at the grocery store, finding things in my house, remembering to do something tomorrow if you tell me today, remembering to do something tomorrow if you tell me tomorrow, navigating to a location and not passing it, not throwing up while in Texas, driving any vehicle smaller than my work van. End disclaimer) My hatred of Mexicans really boils down to one simple thing. The hard-shell taco.
Seriously, people willingly eat these things? Have they met the soft-shell? The hard-shell taco is designed in such a way that if you touch the damn thing, it explodes into shards of glass. By DESIGN that is its purpose. You take your little hard channel of death and put meat at the bottom because it's the heaviest. That makes sense. Then you layer on all of your cheese, lettuce, guacamole, salsa, etc. When you are done you have a beautiful piece of food that nobody can eat without getting completely stressed out. Every time I take a bite I'm scared that this is the time it will explode, sending shards of hard shell into my gums and launching meat and condiments across the room. Taco salads were created by people that got tired of stressing out about that shit.
"Can I get a hard-shell taco? Oh, and will you just put it in a big ass bowl? Thanks."The worst part about the whole situation is IF you do successfully take a bite you get to eat one of two things. A bite full of just taco meat, or a bite full of lettuce, cheese and salsa. It's IMPOSSIBLE to actually taste what you created as it is intended. It's too damn wide. I'm no porn star.
This is an outrage and I don't believe for a second that the people in Mexico actually use hard shells. You want to know why? Because the soft-shell taco exists! The soft-shell taco takes all of the hard-shell taco's faults and fixes them! You take a soft, pliable, delicious... circle thing (Disclaimer: I don't actually know what a soft shell is, I mean I know it's a tortilla, but if you told me to define a tortilla I'm pretty sure I would say it was a soft-shell taco creation device). Anyway, you take this circle and you evenly distribute all of your meat and fixings in an organized line, marching down the center of the tortilla. Everything is stacked on top of the previous food item. Then you roll up the tortilla and it all mixes together and is evenly distributed throughout! Your first bite and all consecutive bites are all equally amazing!
My detractors will probably point out that they like how crunchy the hard-shell taco is. First of all, a hard-shell taco is a Dorito before they make it good. Go buy a bag of Doritos. You're welcome. Second of all, can't you just break off chunks of your hard shell and place them uniformly inside your soft shell with all the other things you want to eat? It's called a soft shell taco crunch.
And that, my friends, is how soft-shell tacos made me love Mexicans.
