Not even Jesus was this perfect. Volume 1

I have an iMac at my work. I have a Macbook Pro at my house. In a few months time I will finally make the jump to the iPhone. Ask me to stump for the droid OS and I will refuse, ask me to go back to using a PC and I will laugh in your face. Ask me to talk positively about Apple as a company and I will frown. I am Nick Naylor, and I hate Apple with a passion.

Did you hear it? Yep you guessed it, millions of people

just read my blog and exploded with rage.(Full disclosure: Millions of people do not in fact read my blog.) You see Apple die hards do not just stand by and let peasants talk negatively about their beloved. To these people Apple can do no wrong. It is that mentality which I believe has led Apple to where they are now. Arrogance. They have an extraordinarily loyal fan base that eats up anything they give them, regardless of the quality of the product received.

In June of 2010 Apple released the answer to all Apple die hards prayers. The iPhone 4. It turns out that this is the 20th consecutive time Apple has answered the prayers of the die hards. What a streak! The iPhone 4 was an amazing piece of equipment. Utilizing a camera that takes extraordinarily good pictures compared to other phones on the market. FaceTime was introduced along with Folders and multi tasking among other things. Such an amazing piece of technology that had Apple die hards screaming from the rooftops about how great it is. Of course they were screaming from the rooftops because the phone itself had this handy feature included that if you held it, it dropped calls. How innovative. The phone had an antenna inside the exterior band around the phone. Unfortunately there were certain spots on the band that if you put your finger on, service would drop dramatically. Surely the company will immediately realize their error and apologize to the consumer.

Steve Jobs response:

If you are having a hard time reading that email I will summarize it.

Customer: Hello, I love my new iPhone 4(required to get a response) except it isn't being a very good phone. When I hold it I can't make calls.

Steve Jobs: Don't hold it. Dumb ass(implied).

The effect this response had on the Apple die hards? None. The CEO of Apple just told all early adopters of the iPhone 4 that they were dumb asses for holding the phone. Unbelievable.

Fast forward to the present and we find ourselves with a shiny new operating system from Apple. LION. Side note: Apple is going to run out of animals that sound cooler than the previous animal. With that said I am stoked for T-REX OS.

My problem with LION is the little things. For example, in the old OS you would slide your finger from the top of the magic mouse down and the web page you were looking at would scroll down. It is a handy feature that Apple users have been using for years. Well somebody within Apple had a great idea for new OS.

Hypothetical Meeting Transcript #1

Apple Boss: Ok guys, I want to hear your new ideas. Todd whatcha got?

Todd: Well....um I was thinking that.....maybe we could switch the magic mouse scroll so that if you slide your finger from the top to the bottom the page you are looking at would scroll up.

Apple Boss: As opposed to sliding down?

Todd: Yes exactly.

Apple Boss: Why would we do this?

Todd: Well...it would be new.

Apple Boss: I like it.

You might be thinking to yourself, who the hell cares? Get over it Nick, it's called evolution. Well we have 4 iMac's in the office and I have to set them all up and fix everybody's problems and every computer has the mouse scroll set differently. So every damn time I get on a different computer I scroll the wrong way and it really ticks me off. Todd needs to lose his job for changing shit that doesn't need to be changed.

Moving on, I have been setting up a lot of software on iMac's in the last few months as well as a network for all the computers and Quickbooks to run on. It has required me to dig a little deeper into the infrastructure of the Lion OS. I have attached two more pictures, on showing the Leopard view of "Finder" and the other showing the Lion view.

Again, the first screenshot is the old OS Leopard, and the second screenshot is the new OS Lion. As you compare the two screenshots, you should notice that one thing is missing out of the second screenshot. The Hard Drive. I have even taken the liberty to search for the Hard Drive in the Lion screenshot. Apparently my new iMac is hard drive free! Do not be fooled into thinking the "All My Files" is the new hard drive. "All My Files" is code for "The files we want the peasants to be able to work with". I suspect it is another one of Todd's ideas.

Hypothetical Meeting Transcript #2

Apple Boss: Todd, where the hell did the hard drive go?

Todd: I removed it from view.

Apple Boss: Why?

Todd: It was bugging me.

Apple Boss: Can we tout this as a new feature?

Todd: Um, we can say we streamlined the "Finder".

Apple Boss: Well done.

In order to solve this problem I googled "Why did Todd remove the hard drive from the finder display window". That didn't help at all, neither did "Why does Todd do the things he does?". I did figure out how to convince my iMac that the hard drive does in fact exist. Then I had to it again on another iMac. Basically I'm getting old and ornery and don't like it when things change for no apparent reason. I decided to put Volume 1 after the title of this blog because I am not done with my criticism for Apple.

Oh and I hate Todd and everything he stands for.

Shameless

It's my birthday, and I took time out of my busy and hectic schedule to write this blog. I can't really explain it, I just have an overwhelming desire to make my blog followers happy. I always put them first when I am making an important decision in my life. Also, on an unrelated note how better to make a strong push to 20 blog followers than posting a link to my blog on my facebook page on my birthday. Maybe I'm being cocky but I'm pretty sure my page will see an uptick in traffic and I want to capitalize on it.

In other news.....

shame·less

   [sheym-lis] Show IPA

adjective

1.

lacking any sense of shame: immodest; audacious.

2.

insensible to disgrace.

3.

showing no shame.

Ok now that we have that out of the way we can dive into the meaning, or lack there of, of this blog. It seems that fate has determined that the rest of my blog will be indented. Unfortunately blogspots word processor is beyond awful, so my apologies but that is just going to be how it is.

So it's my birthday, so I am assuming that all of you have taken the time out of your busy lives to personally wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. I understand that it took a lot of effort to sign into Facebook automatically, and then look at your main screen which told you it was my birthday. Then all that work that went into the typing of "Happy Birthday", or for overachievers "Happy Birthday Nick!" into the text field and pushing submit. I'm tired just thinking about it and I'm on the receiving end. (that's what she said)

You might be thinking, it's probably not good policy to mock the very people you are trying to get to follow your blog. You are absolutely correct, but I've been making fun of myself for well over a year on this blog so you're just going to have to deal with this inconvenience.

So here is what really angers me even more than the laziness of the Facebook Happy Birthday message. The Facebook Happy Birthday thank you that I am apparently expected to send out at the end of my glorious day. Maybe I'm just being a jerk about it but really? I really need to send out a generic "Thank you so much for the birthday messages, I can't believe how great my friends are!" message? I will not do it. No. Actually I take that back, I will do it on one condition. I currently have 160 friends on Facebook. If I receive 160 Facebook Happy Birthday messages I will send out a thank you message because that would be remarkable. If you fail to reach 160 then each of you owe me a drink. Fair is fair.

Moving on, the next person that posts something saying "I am cutting down my friends list, message me if you don't want to get cut", is going to get a message from me asking to get cut. Nobody cares about your arbitrary deadline for cutting down your friends list, you have 800 friends. Cut a quarter of them blindly and move on, it's more fun that way. No status update needed.

Also, if you are having a bad day and feel the need to end your status update in ".....",

you can just go ahead and not post that update. It's called "vaguebooking" and it is annoying.

Stop setting a sympathy trap for your friends. If you have a problem and need to talk, pick up

the damn phone. Ex: "Why did this happen to me......", "My life is so shitty today......".

You are

are making a shameless(see above) attempt at attention and I don't like it.

Finally, maybe Facebook shouldn't be used as a device for you to talk about very personal

things going on in your life. Example, if me and Annie have a fight, it would be considered bad

taste for me to make a banner of why I am mad at her and hang it in front of my house. Your

status update is basically that. Public.

I hope I have shed some light on proper facebook technique. Unfortunately I didn't have time

to finish this blog properly and I didn't feel like waiting another year to post it. See you around.

Note: Little to no grammar correction has been performed on this blog. Sorry.

Take my hand

You sent me letters, you petitioned online, you left me voicemails and you verbally abused me in person. All your hard work has finally paid off. The Last Son of Bob's Blog is back! Full disclosure: The fact that the blog may or may not be back has more to do with my work schedule slowing down that it does with your letters, petitions, and voicemails. You might be thinking right now, "I don't even care that Nick is blogging again and I certainly didn't sign a petition.". Well whatever. That petition didn't sign itself and I'm not going to waste anymore time convincing you that you may or may not have signed a petition that I may or may not have made up entirely for my introduction paragraph of this blog post......which you signed a petition for. Introductory paragraph accomplished.

It has been far too long. I feel like that dad that only wants to be around his kids every other month, and when he does show up he has like tons of toys and candy. Then the kids are like "Wow dad we should do this every day!" and dad is like "Totally!", but in his head he is thinking "Being a dad is hard I am so heading to Vegas tomorrow, I hope the tiger exhibit at the Mirage is open. I love tigers. Especially white ones.". Except in this scenario the dad is having a hard time writing a blog that will live up to past blogs. So instead he watched baseball and looked up pictures of white tigers online. The tigers keep everything connected and making sense.

What better way to come back to the blogging world than by telling my trusty seventeen followers a story. Whoa hold up, seventeen followers you say? I too am shocked at the number. You know what is even better than the number? The percentages. In 2011 alone I have seen a 100% jump in followers. Amazing. What other presidential candidate can claim that his numbers have doubled in eight months? Things are looking up for my political career. You may not have realized that following my blog was committing to me as a presidential candidate. Surprise! Look at it this way, this surprise killed 100% less people than the "Iraq doesn't have weapons of mass destruction" surprise did. Note: I recently found out that my good friend Andrea hates it when people overuse quotation marks. I now fear the quotation mark and its many uses. I'm not running for the president of grammar.""""

I was trying to tell you a story, about my dancing years. Maybe it's an encore performance, we will see. When I first began clogging I believe I was in second grade. For those of you that have not read my blog previously I was was not so big, not so strong, not so coordinated, so adorable. So every boy gets paired up with a girl, your clogging partner. Or in my mind, "The girl I stand the closest to but don't talk to". We got along great. She was good at clogging, I was good at standing somewhat close to her. She was a cute girl and I looked like a cute girl. We had tons of things in common, I bet if we had talked we would have had tons of things to talk about.

I guess it is not enough to just dress up a bunch of small children in ridiculous outfits and make them frolic around in front of large groups of people. What they do is pair them up and make them do tricks. I'm pretty sure that if my mom had known that they were going to make me do tricks she would have said, "Oh, my son doesn't do tricks so well." Clogging career cancelled. Unfortunately, this scenario did not happen.

So I am in it for the tricks. Trick #1, spread legs, reach in between legs while the girl is crouching behind you and grab her hands, pull her through legs, she glides through your legs, stands up and dances around. This scenario also did not happen. What did happen was I spread my legs AND reached between my legs and grabbed her hands. That part I was pretty good at. The problem was that I wasn't strong, or large. We were the same size. So I grab her hands and pull, and she kind of slowly slides through my legs. Assuming that I don't grab her hands and fall a little off balance when I try to pull her through. Then she goes kind of crooked and kind of deflects off of my knee. Then climbs to her feet and dances around. It was magical.

So I guess the teacher saw how coordinated I was and decided, "This little boy/girl is ready to take it up a notch". So she starts by explaining how the boys are going to take the hands of the girls and swing them around and pick them up in the air and it's going to be magical. My first reaction is "This is a bad idea and you are ruining magic for me". Sometimes a persons first reaction is not the proper reaction. In this particular case it was in fact the proper reaction. The teacher proceeds to show us how to do it, the proper form and stuff like that. Now it was our turn to show perform the trick. So I turn to my partner, she says to me "Are you ready?" and I answered her "Yes", and I took her hand......

In hindsight I feel like I should have worded that answer.......a little differently.

Whoa whoa whoa that's it? You just going to end the blog on that? But we want more!

You know who else wants more? The kids with the dead beat dad that is at the Mirage enjoying the Tiger exhibit. But they never get it.

For the Love of Patio's

I had a rough day, no I had a rough week. Month. My job is very hard right now. I have gone from installing jobs and having maybe two guys working under me to not installing at all and having fifteen guys working under me. Depending on me to solve problem's ahead of them, or right in front of them so they can keep working. My main job site takes up two and a half square blocks and requires me to walk it end to end constantly, all day everyday. So that is a reasonable amount of horizontal walking. Unfortunately for me the Mormon church goes all out when they buy a small city, we'll call it Mormoville, not to be confused with Taylorsville for those that like to have trendy email addresses. (Full disclosure: Maybe 3 people understand that last sentence.)

So Mormoville is big, and unfortunately vertical. I am in the market of expansion joints and they tend to also be vertical, so if the building is 7 stories tall well "Surprise!", hope you like stairs. By the end of the day I am pretty tired, not like dead tired physically, more like "My legs haven't stopped moving for ten hours kind of tired and they would prefer to be horizontal, oh and if you put some alcohol in the bloodstream that might help too".

Mentally I am also fried. I have never seen a job with as many problems as this job. Little things, big things, everything is screwed up. Nothing is ever right. If nothing is ever right it is rather difficult to keep your employees busy. Luckily we have to uninstall as much as we install because everything is always wrong. Mormoville is all about repetition. They can proudly proclaim that their entire Construction Building was not only built fast, but it was built three times. Kudos.

I like Kudos granola bars, who is the genius that named those? If I invent a granola bar I am going to name it "Fantastical". Mmmmm Fantastical, only served at Phil's Pub.

Ok, what in the hell am I talking about, (rereading) Mentally fried, physically tired, invented a new granola bar.

I just got home. I went straight to the fridge and got a beer. I turned around and saw Phil looking at me with the "Hey drunk, I don't know if you know this, but I don't use toilets and I have been inside this house for 8 hours. Maybe, just maybe, you should take me outside to relieve myself before you tie one one" face. I hate that face, so judgmental.

I finally get the dog urine situation resolved and move onto my things to do list.

Things to do:

1. Empty fridge of beer.

So I get started, I twist the cap off the bottle, get a little angry at the pain I experience in doing so. Side note: I have worked construction ten years, my hands=softer than your hands. I will put money on it. I don't care who you are. I will win this bet.

Beer opened. I lay back, put my feet up and take a sip. Awesome. This is good. Almost perfect. I turn to my left and look out the window. "Oh it looks nice out there." My brain starts slowly thinking about the outside. At this point in the day the brain doesn't do anything fast. It's like watching somebody type that doesn't know how to type. Kind of makes you want to scream "Use the god damn home row!!!!!"

Wait.....where am I(rereading), mentally and physically invented a granola bar while teaching type class. Giddy up.

I'm staring outside and after about 30 minutes of zero thoughts my brain finally comes up with one statement.

Brain: "It would be sweet to be drinking this beer with your feet up........outside."

Wow brain. You be workin some overtime today! (At the cost of proper grammar) I'm staring outside, wanting to be outside. Dreaming of a patio. Oh I love patios. I do not own a patio. I wish I owned a patio. If somebody would sell me just their patio, I would seriously consider it. Is there anything better? No matter what you are doing, it could always be better if you were outside, on a patio. Add a fire pit to that patio and it is like an explosion of awesomeness comparable to hot peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

The moral of the story is that Annie just called, she is off work and on her way to our house to pick me up. Then we are going to a patio to fulfill my dream. See ya kids later. Sorry for the wait on the latest blog.

Full disclosure: I did not proofread this at all. So sorry for that.

A list of things that add up to awesome.

1. Recently Adrian Gonzalez signed a 7 year 156 million dollar contract with the Boston Red Sox. If I was in the mlb I would take a much different approach. I'd want to be that guy that never leaves baseball. How better to do that than by signing an affordable 30 year 90 million dollar contract? Ya so I would be 50 years old and contractually the team would have to roster me. So I guess I would just get drunk in the dugout.

2. Donald Trump isn't going to run for president. What he is going to do is get you to watch the season finale of "The Apprentice" by pretending that he might run for president.

3. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristols job is to go around the country and lecture high school students about having kids at a young age and out of wedlock and how hard it is. Bristol Palin made six figures in 2010. Essentially this is like hiring a pot head to give a speech on motivation.

4. The age that the United States government can draft you to go to war and the age that you can buy a beer are not the same age.

5. A dog never gets frustrated or bitter or holds a grudge. Phil locked himself in the bathroom all day. Not a big bathroom, a half bathroom. When we got home after eight hours and let him out the translation of his reaction is as follows, "Oh hey guys, ya I've just been hanging out in the bathroom, not a lot of space in there. It's cool I sniffed the trash for a while, that was fun......who's outside? Do you have a treat? Lets have treats. I love you mom and dad. Lets see how many toys I can fit in my mouth."

6. If I had a child and they locked themselves in the bathroom I suspect that they would not react in this way.

7. When a fly ball is hit and the outfielders don't communicate properly and the ball falls on the ground in front of them it makes me laugh. Nobody can look cool in that situation, nobody.

8. Sarah Palin makes $100,000 per speaking engagement.

9. To date I have made $0.00 per speaking engagement.

10. If you had a pet goose and he slept on the bed with you on your down pillows, that would be messed up.

11. I don't understand when people find out I like baseball and say something along the lines of "Baseball sucks, it's gay." Football is a much "gayer" sport than Baseball statistically.

12. Sports Athletes aren't role models. Athletes get paid millions to play a game. That isn't real life. Look up to your dad because he goes to work every day.

13. I look like a little boy without facial hair.

14. True friends never tell me that eating or doing anything will "put hair on my chest".

15. There is a thin line between having a rug and having a room that you could only partially afford to carpet.

16. The United States of America invaded two countries and lowered taxes.

17. Years later we criticized the banking industry for making poor financial decisions.

18. In general babies aren't cute, you have my permission to call my baby out.

19. Puppies are always cute. If you ever say one of my puppies isn't cute I will fight you.

20. In the near future there will be a facebook group getting people to boycott the oil companies for a day. Too bad the oil companies are not as near sighted as the people who would boycott something for one day knowing that the next day they will be consuming the boycotted item. AA was set up for people in this category.

21. The Utah legislature is closing liquor stores that turn a profit year after year for the state. My normal reaction to such nonsense would be "What are they drunk?". Yet, in this case they are clearly not drunk.

22. I purchased a bottle of lemonade last week. It had writing on the bottle that said "Made with real lemons". Oh good. Thanks for using the primary ingredient to the drink I am drinking. Seriously though, be on the lookout for bottles that do not state this, you don't want that shit.

That's a good middle finger, well built, extra strength.

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.

I hope you missed me as much as I missed you, my nine followers. I gotta say I am a little bit depressed. I have been at nine followers for a while, not a lot of upward movement in the followers section. I know that turnout is pretty low in presidential elections but I don't think nine will cut it. So I guess my goal for 2012 is to leave the single digit followers in the past and move on to double digit followers. That is a good step. Also, I don't have any followers from another country. I wish I did. I consider myself exotic and I don't understand why I don't have international appeal. Maybe it's because I'm too "dashing"..........

You might be wondering what I am talking about, I don't know. I am kind of rambling.

I do have a story, which is what pushed me back into the blogging world. I have been working at the City Creek project downtown. It is a massive project spanning two square blocks. Lots of work, very stressful, blah blah I'm sure I will post a blog about it in the future. What happened today was when I was driving home.

I was still in the city, I hate driving in the city. I hate that there are stoplights located in the middle of the damn road that are only there to allow pedestrians to cross the street. It is slow enough stopping every block at a red light, now we have added lights every half block. When I am president I promise to make these sorts of shenanigans illegal. Quite frankly, it's bad for the environment for me to be stopping at all these red lights, when a human, arguably not bad for the environment in its simplest form, could easily walk a block or two to get to that Carls Junior across the street. Not only is this good for the environment, but it would lower health care costs. I am pretty sure there is a formula that could be created that would show the association of "Distance you had to walk to Carls Junior" in relation to "The decline in health care costs".

Second thing I will do as President, I will take this formula....lets call it, "President Naylor's guide to walking so much you lose weight and stop costing America money". I will turn it into a law that requires fast food restaurants be located a certain distance from the nearest parking lot. You want a Baconator that's fine, you can have a Baconator, after you walk 4.8 miles uphill. I hope you enjoy it, Subway is only a half mile away.

Wow, I just wrote that. Might as well go with it.

So I am driving in the city and not only do I not like stopping at these mid-block pedestrian inconveniences, I also suck at it. Half a damn block between red lights, can't even check facebook in that distance. I might as well push the damn van to save the environment. Third thing I will do as Presi....no I better not do that.

I am having a hard time getting on with the story.

Ok ok ok what is important here, oh ya I suck at stopping at mid block red lights. I am driving home, listening to the radio, kind of spacing out. When suddenly I realize I just blew through one of these hated mid-block red lights. Unfortunately there was a man crossing as well. He was about five feet to my left. I understand I might have reacted poorly to this situation, but I also think he was slightly overreacting. He felt the need to show me the length of his middle finger. It was a pretty long and well built middle finger. Definitely in my top 50 of middle fingers that an angry dude has shown me. He also mouthed two one syllable words, I couldn't hear the words because Lady Gaga was on the radio. We will just assume that he said "Ga Ga", and then he was just wondering if I had a middle finger as well built as his. For the record, my middle finger trumps this dudes middle finger. I will go out on a limb and say I can deliver one of the most presidential middle fingers in the history of middle fingers. JFK worthy.

My actual reaction to this situation was completely different and influenced by my lovely wife Annie. Annie used to drive a prius and she always told me that whenever people would honk at her on the freeway she would just wave. So I did this.

I turn to the guy to my left by five feet and wave. He didn't like this at all, but I was in a car so I wasn't too worried about a foot pursuit.

I continue driving and approximately two blocks later a guy in a Toyota Sequoia was trying to merge and I slowed down to let him in. He in turn waved to me. I waved back, this I can recommend. Me and this guy are like on the same page. I like the right lane, he likes the right lane......I'm sure we have other things in common as well.

Two completely different waves. The first wave guy was a jerk, that probably cheats on his taxes and beats his wife and/or girlfriend, and likes the Yankees. The second wave guy? Oh this guy is awesome! He drives a Toyota Sequoia? I love those types of automobiles, I have actually been considering purchasing that exact type of automobile. Such a nice guy. I bet he hates the Yankees, unlike that jerk Yankee fan that apparently has a problem with almost being ran over.

Very interesting. Two situations, both ending in a wave. I just wonder, if the Yankee fan would have been driving the Sequoia how much would I hate Sequoia's? Probably a lot, but today I am pro Sequoia's.

I just re-read this post, I'm weird.

-Nick

So that's what an Std feels like.

I am now twenty-eight. I decided to ring in my birthday at Kobe Sushi. This is my story.

I woke up at 5:40 and went to work, I got off around 6 that night, got cleaned up and our friends the Moretti's picked me and Annie up. I have always wanted to go to Kobe Sushi because they have something called the Hellfire challenge and I really wanted to do it. So did it I did.

Me, Annie, Brett, Tiff, Vachel, Krak, and Whipple went to the restaurant and got started. By got started I mean we started drinking because we got there at 7 and all of their rolls go on sale at 8. We all like drinking so it wasn't awkward or anything. We had some good conversation filled with plenty of laughs.

Finally it is time to order and I begin the Hellfire challenge. The challenge gives you a free t-shirt and your picture on the wall upon completion. It requires you to eat 2 pieces of level 6 sushi, 2 pieces of level 6.5, and 6 pieces of level 7. I am excited. Supposedly the level of spice doubles with each level.

As it turned out I hadn't eaten anything all day, this might have caused me some problems. So they bring out level 6 and I destroy it. I am very confident, they got nothing! Should we take the picture now? Should I take my shirt off? I think I should take my shirt off.

Level 6.5 shows up. I put a piece into my mouth and attempt to casually continue telling Krak a story. I am stopped mid speech by my sinuses completely evacuating. That's ok though, I mean I was kind of stuffed up so now I don't have to worry about that anymore. Problem solved!! I finish up 6.5, it was hot, I'm getting a little nervous.

Level 7 shows up after I sign a waiver that states that I will not sue Kobe Sushi if I die. This perhaps should have been the first indicator telling me to throw in the towel. I signed it and prepared for the worst. They brought me out a plate that had two pieces of level seven sushi on it. They looked like fire that had been turned into a solid.

The consensus at the table was that I should eat them both as fast as possible, then order the next two pieces. I agreed. I placed a piece into my mouth and immediately had a feeling that I had made a horrible mistake. Brett provided support and I placed the second piece in my mouth. I swallowed.

There was no going back.

My mouth was on fire. It was like somebody had poured gasoline into my mouth and lit it. I had a lemon, milk, water, and beer. None of these items helped. Nothing I did could extinguish the fire going on inside my mouth.

First things first, I know when I'm in trouble and I was in trouble. I aborted the Hellfire Challenge to the disappointment of the rest of the table. I am guessing it was twenty to thirty minutes before my mouth was no longer in pain. At minute thirty I felt good, at minute thirty-one it broke through my stomach defenses. This is bad. Really bad. I am a complete mess.

Tiff was our designated driver, I was in the backseat wanting to die. Upon our arrival I got out of the car, went directly inside and proceeded to vomit three times. As I began throwing up I was so relieved. Get this out of my stomach! I was a fool to think it would be that easy. Funny thing about extremely spicy food being thrown up. It doesn't lose it's spiciness, it is every bit as spicy on the way up as it is on the way down. Remember how my mouth was no longer on fire? So much for that, at this point in my life my stomach is in an extreme amount of pain and my mouth is back to square one. I WANT TO DIE.

I go to bed. I do not sleep well. At about three in the morning I wake up and need to relieve myself. I go into the bathroom and begin relieving myself. Apparently, the fire that was inside my stomach has no seeped into my urinary tract. So......what this means is that it burns everything in its path. Now I don't want to get too graphic here but if you know much about the exit of the urinary tract.....you can understand my particular pain in this situation. I wanted to squeal, but it was the middle of the night. So I just sat there and absorbed the pain. THIS WAS NOT ON THE DAMN WAIVER. I didn't even realize this was possible, but it should certainly be on the waiver. I finally finish up and go back to bed completely miserable.

I wake up in the morning and go to work. I feel awful. I went to college, lived up on campus, I have experienced some nasty hangovers. This blows them all out of the water. I am a mess until about noon. Finally I feel better! It is a miracle, I have never been so relieved.

At two I realize that I need to go the bathroom. The kind of bathroom visit that a guy doesn't do standing up. Luckily I feel fine now so I'm not too worried. Funny how life works. I should have been worried.

The male anatomy has 3 main entrances/exits to the body. Not everybody has experienced fire in all three within eighteen hours, but I have.