That is the father that I know and love. I knew him to be this man growing up, which is what leads me to this blog topic "The Bob Chronicles". He didn't always give it to me straight though. Sometimes he was rather misleading, and considering I had complete faith in Bob's word, it caused some problems.
Item number one, I remember this girl in elementary school that had really rich parents and they lived in a really big house and everybody knew which house it was. One day we were driving by the house and I asked my Dad what this girls parents did for a living. His answer was as follows, "They print money in their basement.". Wow my mind like exploded. For one, why doesn't everybody just print money in their basement? It seems like a no brainer, I call it going directly to the source. Wait, "Dad why don't we print money in our basement?". "No more questions son.". Ok but that is bush league, we should be printing money in our basement, do you even want to be rich Bob?
So I believed it. I took that statement straight to school and I repeated it. "They are rich because they print money in their basement." I believed it, my friends believed it, it became known as fact. I do not resent Bob for planting this information inside my head. I love it.
I can't wait to have kids of my own that I can plant information in their head as well. For example, me and Annie have agreed to teach our children that number 1 means you have to go poop and number 2 means you have to pee. It's harmless, but can certainly cause some amusing interactions in kindergarten or when a babysitter is over.
Around the same age Bob took some time while we were up camping to give me some survival tips. I don't know if they were tips so much as him enjoying himself but oh well. We were out in the wilderness and I wanted to know what to do if I ever encountered a bear. I think at this point he just kind of assumed that I was a lost cause and I had no chance at defeating a bear. Bob? Of course Bob could defeat a bear, come back when you have 10 bears and a moose.
Anyway I had asked him what to do when I encountered a bear and his response was as follows, "Ok, the bear is going to charge you and when he opens his mouth you throw your arm into his mouth, reach all the way down to his tail, grip and rip the bear inside out." WOW. That sounds very intense, nevermind the obvious complications in that my arm is 18 inches long and a bear is quite a bit longer than that. Luckily I have never encountered a bear, though I assume that Bob has left many a bear inside out in his travels.
Bob is a workin man. In the summer he would try to put me to work in the yard. "Nicholas, take off your dancing shoes and come outside. We have work to do. What? No you can't bring your trolls. What? Yes you have to take your tap shoes off." So he would take me out into our backyard, which to a kid is like a thousand miles long. He would make me weed the driveway. Which was kind of ridiculous because most people have a driveway that covers say 20 ft. Not to be outdone, Bob's driveway was the LENGTH of the yard.
Ok, so I have to weed the yard. Good to know the details up front. As a kid I was not such a good...um....worker. So I was a bad worker. I would pull a few weeds, then go lay on the grass for a few minutes. Unfortunately while I was laying on the grass the weeds I had previously pulled had grown back! This is like torture!(side note: When I say I laid on the grass for a few minutes I believe it was in fact a week.) So their are now more weeds growing in the driveway than when I originally started. I have spent approximately 2/3 of my summer vacation pulling the same weed over and over and Bob is relentless!
One day, when his frustration with my skills at being a man were at their peak he finally stated my favorite Bob quote of all time. He looked down at me while I was complaining and said "If it was easy I would get a couple of ten year old girls to do it." This is like Bob's trademark comeback to people complaining. It's like he has SOS Staffing on speed dial and they have a bunch of girls ready to come out and do labor. The premise of it is completely ridiculous.
The worst part is as I get older it becomes more and more degrading to me as a person. I mean when I was 7 and he said it to me in my head I was like "Actually some ten year old girls would really speed this process along. Thanks for the help.". When I was 15 I was like "Oh man, most ten year old girls are as big as me, this is going to be embarrassing." Now when he tells me that I just go back to work. Appreciating the phrase and how it has withstood the test of time.
There are a lot of stories that belong in the Bob Chronicles, it's not something that I can just wrap up. They are alive and well and we will see them again.
-Nick
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