The Unintended Lap Dance

This blog will put you on a plane to Vegas.

I recently went to the World of Concrete Show in Las Vegas, Nevada. It is pretty intense. Lots of man things going on. This blog isn't actually going to address Vegas itself though. Today I will let you into my head and let you look through my eyes. What you will see is a plane.

As me and Annie are boarding the plane there is an extraordinarily annoying man in front of us. The kind of guy that says things really loud, then starts laughing as if you are somehow in on the joke. Then when nobody responds he thinks that that is somehow a sign that he should continue making obnoxious remarks in an attempt to please the crowd. Enter the crowd pleaser. So he was pretty cool. Luckily we only had to put up with this guy for the boarding part. Then we would be free to find a nice quiet corner on the pla...ahh damnit he is sitting directly in front of me. I am not sitting with Annie, I am sandwiched in between two professional looking gentleman right behind the crowd pleaser.

I know my previous blogs talk about how small I was growing up. For those of you that do not know me or have not seen me for ten years I am no longer small. I am tall, and I have broad shoulders. I know what you are thinking, "I bet it sucked sitting in the middle then." Yes. Yes it did.

So I sit down, get buckled up and am ready to go! Just a short one hour flight and I can hit the tables and become a two millionaire. I used to want to be a one millionaire but Annie told me that that is not enough money for me to retire on. So I have my eyes set on being a two millionaire. Aim for the sky.

The plane takes off. I need you to understand that the next few items I talk about all happened at approximately the same time. The crowd pleaser in front of me is bald, I know this because my eyes are eighteen inches from his skull. The crowd pleaser had placed himself between two girls in their twenties. One of the girls was reading "The Hunger Games", I have not read that book so I had a great idea to try and peak through the crack in between the seats and read along with her. I could see about a quarter of the page sliced vertically. Quite frankly I wasn't entertained and I'm not sure the author writes in proper sentences.

After about two 1/4 pages of "The Hunger Games" our reading gets interrupted by the drink service. Which just so happens to be my favorite part of the flight. I order a Heineken. The flight attendant looks down at me and states "That will be five dollars.". I hand her a five dollar bill. Transaction over. What's that? You don't take cash? Oh well my bad, I thought you told me that my beer would cost five DOLLARS. I am pretty sure I know what a dollar is. I graduated with kollege(fan service). I feel our society has taken a big step. We ask people to pay for an item, yet we don't accept the currency that we ourselves just asked them to pay with. Don't think about that too long.

I get my beer. I am about to get back to reading a quarter of the book in front of me when the crowd pleaser has now interrupted this girl so many times that she has given up reading altogether. I did catch a short piece of what he said, "I haven't read a book since third grade.". Here's the thing, I have heard people say something along these lines before and I just want to clear things up and make myself clear. I'm not going to go deep into this, I just feel like something needs to be said about that sentence.

THAT IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. PLEASE STOP PRESENTING IT LIKE ONE.

I have to get my mind off of this guy. I grab a magazine in front of me and hit the jackpot. Half finished crossword puzzle. Score. I immediately get to work, one problem, I don't have a pen. Ok, I am taking this puzzle up a notch, going to do this crossword puzzle completely by memory. I can do it. Back to work. Progress is slow. New problem, the previous crossword puzzle contestant was apparently not super smart. Perhaps he did not graduate with kollege. Confident yes. A pen? Really? Ok, so I have a half finished crossword in front of me that I am trying to finish by memory, except now I have to remember that some answers are wrong so then I have to....WHY did the seat in front of me just hit me in the head?

Oh this is great. Crowd pleaser was not happy with the straight up angle of his seat, so he chose to recline his chair 4 inches into my face. I didn't have a lot of space to begin with. This guy is now like on my lap. There is no way the enjoyment one receives from reclining that amount is possibly worth the cost that is me being forced to receive a lap dance from the crowd pleaser. Nobody wants a lap dance from the crowd pleaser. I think he also ruined lap dances forever for me. I mean that was my first lap dance ever, and it was forced on me and there certainly wasn't a physical attraction between us.

So I am sitting there, staring at this head in my lap, a little uncomfortable with how close it is to my beer. I can't do this, if I wasn't so damn tall maybe I wouldn't be looking down on the crowd pleasers skull but I am. Ok I can deal with this, I will just hold up the magazine to block my view.

I do this for a minute and then I really take in my surroundings. I am completely uncomfortable, receiving an unintended lap dance, doing a half done crossword that is wrong, all by memory. I give you the crossword as I saw it below.

First thing, top left corner of the crossword states "Fun!"

Nope.

Second thing, don't use a pen to do a crossword, not even Lebron is that cocky.

Third, what in the hell did this person write at the top of the page? I finally gave up on doing the crossword and spent the remainder of the flight trying to figure out what that last word is. I think that word is a link to why there were so many errors within the crossword itself. Don't try to tell me that that the last word is supposed to be "ridiculous" either. I reject that.

The plane lands! I survived and am completely ready to tear Vegas apart. I will leave you with one last story. We were waiting for our bags and decided we would go to the bathroom and this will be the first time this story has been told. It was traumatizing. For this particular bathroom visit I needed to go into a stall. The toilet had a motion sensor flushing mechanism. I do not like these. So, I go into the stall and I grab one of those sheets that is pre-made for the toilet seat. Note: The inventor of that sheet deserves to be a two millionaire.

Ok, anyway I grab the sheet but I guess I was standing to the side of the toilet. Well I place the sheet onto the toilet, which was a clean looking toilet for your information. Somehow while I am bending over to do this I set off the flushing mechanism. Which under normal circumstances would be fine. Under these particular circumstances we have like the Niagara Falls of flushing velocity potential. We will call it the FVP, the FVP is through the roof on this thing. I guess when you have a toilet bowl that is shaped a certain way, combined with a high FVP, it tends to shoot a reasonable amount of water straight up into the air. Which just so happened to be on or around my face.