Dances with Trolls

Blog #2.

This blog will give you a brief look into my past.

My parents first 2 kids were females and the 3rd was a male. Then I was born a male. For reasons that I have yet to describe to you I strongly suspect that my mother was disappointed at this. It started off innocent enough. My mother didn't cut my hair, which at the time was all good because child mullets were the style. Unfortunately it had the effect of making me look like a girl. Which if anybody has ever been a boy and looked like a girl, well it really doesn't have a positive influence on how other kids your age treat you. It was the 80s though, the 80s made a lot of males look like females, it was in the air I guess. If I was to write a book about males looking like females the first chapter would be about the 80s and the second chapter would talk about the "Affliction" brand of clothes we are seeing today. That's for another blog I suppose.

So I looked like a girl. What's the best heterosexual remedy for a little boy that looks like a girl? Clearly a troll collection. Now this is not your Lord of the Rings troll collection(which would be awesome and I would totally want). No, this was a 90s phenomenon troll collection. I have attached a picture for everybody who is not quite sure what I'm talking about.

So as you can see, these trolls don't exactly scream "The owner of these is going to have lots of girlfriends." The main vibe that I get from trolls is "GAY". The problem is that I was just a little kid, and kids love getting toys. So I didn't just have a troll collection, I PLAYED WITH TROLLS. Now I never played with Barbies, so I don't know what kind of an effect that has on a young boys mental state. I can't imagine it holds a torch to the troll lifestyle. They don't appear to have a sex, they are just trolls that really nobody should ever, ever play with. Except me.

So I am a boy that looks like a girl, plays with trolls because a barbie is too sexual and is trying to get on in life. Time to figure out what I'm good at right? First up, is the boy/girl coordinated? Ok he isn't coordinated at all. Wow I mean, he's not so awesome at coordination. What sport should we have him play? This is where my mom really played her hand. Nick the boy/girl was signed up for clogging.

Some of you males may not know what clogging is, which I completely understand. Your parents wanted you to be straight. So basically, you wear a lot of sparkles, a ridiculous little button up outfit that is made out of like nylon and ribbons, and you go out on stage and you just dance your little heart out to 80s music. Which totally worked with my girl hair. You also wear shoes that tap tap tap as you dance dance dance. Now, I always like to be informative in my blogs. So here goes, uh.....putting your little boy/girl into clogging is not a good way for him to make friends. It is a good way to cause him to be mocked in school. Turns out no matter how good you are at spinning and tapping to great balls of fire, it actually makes it harder to make friends. Not easier. The world is a strange place.

I learned one other thing during my elementary school clogging days. It is impossible to explain to your friends why your parents are making you clog. There really is no logical answer to the question and it wasn't helping my lack of coordination at all. Which doesn't help a kids case in elementary school. Can you catch a football? Nope, but I can tap to the beat of "It's raining men." Hey where you guys going?

Yet somehow I fought back. Made friends, abolished dancing from my life, and kept being uncoordinated. Somewhere in the mix my body stopped growing around 5th grade, which was rather inconvenient. If you are small and coordinated you can make do. If you are small and uncoordinated you get rejected a lot. The good news is I had finally shed my girl hair for a much cooler part down the middle style. A style that was so cool that I kept parting my hair, year after year for the next seven years. It's like the left side of my brain never wanted to have to engage in conversation with the opposite sex, and the right side of my brain just loved parting hair.

I will once again apologize for my rambling randomness. I always attempt to make it have a point but sometimes the point is lost in the telling of the story. From time to time I will offer you a glimpse into moments in my life. These glimpses will allow you to read one of my blogs and say "Well you know he danced in sparkles and played with trolls as a kid, what do you expect?"

I hope that this entertains at least one person, because it came at the expense of my mother. Who I love so much.

-Nick